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OK,
I'll own up to this, but please don't
think this is representative of my work....
Last year, when the movie "The Full
Monty" opened in the UK, I got a
call from the News Of The World. The film
is about a bunch of former steelworkers
who become strippers to pay the bills,
and the paper wanted a journalist to find
out what it's like to do a striptease
when you have a less than perfect physique.
I really didn't want the job, but they
offered such a huge fee that simple economics
forced me to accept. The venue was an
all-female club in central London, packed
with raucous, drunken women on hen nights,
determined to see some male flesh. I had
to perform with the Dreamboys, Chippendales-style
striptease act, all as tanned and muscular,
as I was pallid and thin.
The owner of the club poured cocktails
down my throat to help me summon the courage
to go through with it. My brief was to
come out on stage in a tux, choose a girl
from the audience, bring her onto the
stage and pour her champagne before stripping
down to my (clean) Calvin’s to the
accompaniment of Harry Connick Jr singing
"It had to be You."
Before I went out, the guys rubbed baby
oil into my skin in an effort to make
me look more attractive, and the girls
outside were informed that I was a reporter
with a louche lifestyle, and therefore
they shouldn't expect too much.
They were very supportive when I actually
appeared, cheering and whistling and making
various improper suggestions. It all went
wonderfully, and I was even enjoying it
- poured the champagne OK, got the tux,
bow tie and shirt off fine...
Then disaster struck. The trousers had
Velcro seams, so you can just grab the
front and rip them off. This was supposed
to be the grand finale, so I reached down
and gave them a firm yank -- too firm,
in fact, and the front half wrapped itself
tightly around my head. My efforts to
remove them were hampered by the fact
that I was effectively blinded, blind
drunk, and smothered in slippery baby
oil. I had to be led from the stage.
Back to being a hack...But had a great
time with the Dreamboys and will go down
as one of my life’s experiences…
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